“Doing love,” making one’s affection and respect for the other clear in all interactions, is the essential ingredient for engaging in loving relationships. This is what keeps relationships from being mired down in a variety of unhealthy mind games. This is as true for relationships with friends and family members as it is for romantic partners. This prescription seems so simple. All we have to do is treat each other with love and respect and the relationship will be ok. How hard can that be? As it turns out, it’s really hard.

Abuse is one obvious barrier that gets in the way to getting love right. If you are abusive, no matter how you justify or rationalize your behavior, you are not treating your partner with love or respect. And I’m not just talking about punching your partner, knocking him or her down the stairs, or violating his or her sexual boundaries. These sorts of physical behaviors clearly fit in the abuse “camp.” So do manipulative behaviors like threatening to hurt yourself (or a child, pet, or treasured object) in order to get your way or to make a point to your partner. I’m also talking about put downs, isolation, and other sorts of controlling and manipulative behavior. So how do you know if you are (or your partner is) abusive?

Put downs and humiliation are the most basic forms of emotional abuse. Put downs involve making disparaging generalizations about one’s partner that assails the essence of who they are rather than their particular behavior. If you are abusive, you may notice that you are in the habit of criticizing the way your partner looks, talks, dresses, walks, thinks, cooks, or lives his or her life. You might find yourself calling your partner denigrating names or saying things like, “Oh! My! God! What have you done with the strawberries? I asked you to do one little thing and you can’t even get that right.” “You need to lay off the cheese puffs. You look like a whale. I’m embarrassed to be seen with you.” “You’re lucky I love you, honey, because as _____ as you are, no one else ever will." Moreover, you may find that it’s simply not enough to say mean things. You might find that you add emotional punch to your words by expressing them with contempt. You may, for example, sneer when you say the words or roll your eyes or mock them when they respond to you. In a way, put downs are like radioactive material because their damaging power lasts far beyond the hurtful interaction. Over time, people begin to believe that they are stupid, fat, ugly, worthless, or whatever denigrating thing they are told. And it often takes much longer to heal emotional wounds than it does to heal physical ones.

Isolation is another abuse indicator. Jealousy and finding ways to keep your partner from spending time with people other than yourself are the principal means by which abusers isolate their partners. If you have ever felt a little jealous or wished that your partner would not spend time with certain people, it’s time to be honest and ask your self some tough questions. Do you have a habit of accusing your partner of sleeping around because you don’t know exactly what they were doing, where they were or whom they were with? Do you often accuse your partner of flirting if you see them talking to someone for 5 minutes instead of focusing all their attention on you? Do you notice that when you walk in, people stop talking to your partner, or at least become much more distant? Do you ever threaten people with violence to get them to stay away from your partner because you think they are making moves on him or her? Have you noticed that your partner’s regular social network has gotten noticeably smaller since the two of you hooked up? If so, could it possibly be due to the fact that you have been rude or obnoxious or have forbidden your partner from talking to or spending time with others? Jealousy and other forms of isolation are means to keep your partner “under your thumb” and keep your partner away from others who might try to mitigate your control.

Another clue that you might be abusive lies in the way that your partner reacts to you. If you feel frustrated because your partner regularly looks like he or she is walking on eggshells or otherwise seems to be afraid of you, you might want to look at your behavior. Do you tend to be the type of person who “explodes” when things go wrong? Do you tend to spin into a rage when your partner vacuums the carpet or chops the carrots the “wrong way,” is 5 minutes late to dinner, or spends too much time hanging out at the neighbor’s house? If this is the case, it’s very likely that your partner is afraid of you, and for good reason.

If you have been honest with yourself, you have probably acknowledged that at some point or other you have lashed out at a partner with an emotional put down, or, in moments of insecurity, felt jealous or wished that your partner wouldn’t spend so much time with other people. It’s also quite possible that you recognized yourself on the painful end of some of the behaviors described above. The key question is, are any of these behaviors patterns in your relationship? If one or more is a pattern, it is quite likely that you are (or your partner is) acting abusively. If you live in Central Ohio, and are GLBT you should call the Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization (BRAVO) at 614.294.7867 and talk to the staff or helpline volunteers about getting help. Outside of Central Ohio, call the New York City Anti-Violence Project (22.714.1184). If you’re straight, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). More information about getting out of abusive relationships can be found in “We’re Here! We’re Queer! Get Used To Us! Survival Strategies for a Hostile World.”

This column was originally published in Outlook Weekly.