The holiday season has descended on us like an invasion of elves on Prozac. You can’t even go grocery shopping without hearing holiday music and being bombarded with holiday decorations. Even public radio stations play an occasional Christmas, solstice or Hanukah themed tune. Advertisements blitz us with messages telling us how great the holidays are – or how great they would be if only we would purchase the latest whatsit. Filled with romanticized images of happy families, love, peace and serene settings, these messages bring the disenfranchisement we feel in relation to our families of origin and society at large into sharp focus and may remind us how isolated, alone, and unsupported we may feel. They also connect us to our memories and deepest longings. When you add in the stress of shopping, party hopping, and making holiday plans to the pain of our disenfranchisement, the holidays are enough to push even relatively well adjusted people to drink or swallow xanax by the handfuls. Most of us deal with this seasonal stress by gorging on cookies and chocolate, finding extra reasons to celebrate with a bottle of beer, wine, vodka, or Champaign, cramming our schedules so tight that we don’t have time to feel, and/or by simply pretending that if we don’t think about the stress that awaits us, it will magically disappear.

Unfortunately, none of these avoidance strategies work all that well in the long run. And there’s always a bill for all that eating, drinking and avoiding, so we might as well face our holiday nightmares, pain and dreams squarely in the face. And that’s just what I’m offering you the chance to do. So, stealing from Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol,” imagine for a moment that you are being visited by Jack from Will and Grace as a flaming version of Marley’s ghost. The original ghost with all that dust and those heavy chains is just too dreary. Jack however is perfect for the role: he’s a little obsessive, a little bitter and not shy about pointing out other people’s issues. He’s sort of the “Dr. Phil” of Christmas ghosts.

So take a couple of minutes to hang out with Jack “Marley.” Once you’ve gotten his autograph and heard his sob story about how he got stuck being Marley’s Ghost, he’ll tell you exactly what you’ve been running from what you need to face in order not to be stuck in his pitiful state. Take this in. It might save your life, or at least cut months off your therapy.

After you’ve had a moment to recover from Jack’s wilting message, get ready to visit your past. Again, I’ve taken the liberty of replacing the ghost of Christmas past with someone who’s a little more familiar with gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered issues. You need a poet who is deep enough to bear witness to your pain and warm enough to comfort you as you take this journey. To me, Emily Saliers of the Indigo Girls seems perfect for this role. Besides, that southern drawl of hers has a way of erasing any self pity that may come up. (If you’re not Indigo Girls fan, find your own ghost of Christmas past. Just make him or her warm and supportive. You’re probably gonna need it.)

Once you’ve told her how much that song she wrote that perfectly related to your life meant to you, and stopped swooning over her drawl, grab her sleeve and fly back to your childhood and adolescence. You’re going to face the 5 most significant memories about the holidays you have from this time. The memories may revolve around decoration rituals – putting up the Christmas tree, lighting the Hanukah Menorah, plugging in the plastic Santa or hanging the lights.

Relatives and holiday meals also seem to be the breeding grounds of trauma. Did your family spend the holidays with relatives or apart from extended family? If it was an extended family ordeal, did y’all get along? Was it like a great big slumber party, or a nightmare that you prayed would end soon? And what about holiday meals? Were they calm, relaxing, joyous occasions? Were they spent waiting for the wine to kick in to make the meal bearable or explode into a drunken version of world war three? Were they tense occasions spent in painful controlled politeness?

And then there was the whole gift thing – the huge build up of hope about what you might get and sometimes the total let down of getting something horrifying like underwear or a typewriter.

Whew! Now that you’ve faced this, take a deep breath. One of the perks of growing up is the fact that you know that you don’t have to relive your childhood. Release all those painful feelings back into the past where they belong, say goodbye to Emily. Take a moment to clear your mind and get ready for the Ghost of Christmas present. I really didn’t care for that ghost in the movie either, so I’m replacing him with Ellen DeGeneres. She’s really cute, funny, and she can dance. Besides, she had a few really rough years, emotionally and professionally to process through before making her comeback so she is in a pretty good place to get the pain of facing reality. What more can you ask for from a Christmas ghost?

Take a deep breath, remember your strengths and chat with Ellen for awhile. Once you feel a little grounded, you get to look at your life from the outside. Holidays have a way of making the real nature of our relationships with friends and family clear. Put differently, this too could be painful. Grab hold of Ellen’s sleeve and away you go.

First, we’re going to look at the whole gift giving game. Watch yourself as you embark on the gift shopping/giving venture. Who, if anyone, are you planning to give gifts to this year? As you list each person on your gift list, notice how you feel. Do you feel excited? Hopeful? Resentful? Obligated? Is it easy to figure out what to give them or do you feel overwhelmed and clueless about what they might like and appreciate? Are you planning to put emotional energy into the gift you give him or her or are you planning to give them a gift certificate or pick up something for them at the last moment?

Whatever the original meanings of gifts were supposed to be, gifts are now symbols of the meaning of our relationships. It’s often easy to think of great gifts for people we feel close to. It’s really hard to think of acceptable gifts for people we have grown apart from and harder still to figure out what to get when we are driven by obligation. This can really highlight aspects about your relationships that you have been trying to ignore for months. If you’re approaching a gift for your partner with the eagerness you usually reserve for going to the dentist to have your teeth scraped, or with the same apathy you have when getting gift for the secret Santa gift for your office Christmas party, you might start thinking of couples’ counseling, ending the relationship or moving to Siberia for a few years. If you are spending hours dreaming of possible things to get for the cute guy who lives down the hall whose name you can’t remember, this also says something. For example, perhaps you should find out his name and see if he’s even remotely available and interested before you actually buy or make something for him. Perhaps you can talk Ellen into showing you a few dance moves to help you lure your dreamboat into your house or apartment.

Now let’s look at your thoughts as think about holiday plans. Are you eagerly anticipating reconnecting with family and friends that you haven’t seen in awhile? Are you scheming of ways to avoid having to visit your family or creating strategies to avoid gatherings where you are certain to run into particular people that you would rather not be around?

If you are in a relationship, how are you and your partner negotiating the holidays? Are you spending them together or separate? Do you feel safe to be out with your family? Do you feel safe to be out with theirs? Do your families acknowledge and support your relationship or have you started “straightening up” your vocabulary – taking out the “honey’s” “babe’s” “sweethearts” and other pet names, and/or if they are coming to visit you, hiding your GLBT themed books, posters and other queer symbols to make them feel more comfortable?

The holiday season has a way of bringing all of the unfinished business in our relationships smak-dab into our psychic space. Whether we resent having to spend time with crazy fundamentalist in-laws who put religious pamphlets on our beds, feel guilty because we’d rather walk on a bed of burning hot nails, naked, in front of a live audience than spend time with our parents, or are still grieving the loss of someone dear to us or the break-up of a significant relationship, the holidays serve as an unrelenting reminder of exactly what’s going on in our lives and our relationships.

Because of all the family crap, the holidays also challenge us to grow up and make choices that affirm our adult lives and relationships. In situations where family and or friends don’t accept who we are or invoke a silent but very clear, “don’t kiss, don’t tell” mandate on us so that they can feel comfortable around us, the holidays force us to make choices to either put other people’s wishes and feelings first and accommodate them, or chose ourselves and celebrate who we are. It usually hurts either way. Starting to see the importance of bringing Ellen DeGeneres along for the ride? She can at least help you find the humor in the whole situation.

While you’re busy laughing at the sit-com that has become your life, why not look at how you’ve bought into the hokey messages on all those Hallmark Christmas cards and TV Christmas specials. Unless you’re in the cynical section of the card store or watching the South Park holiday special, you’re probably being inundated with messages that tell you that you’re supposed to feel joyous and particularly loving towards the rest of the human race. Those are nice sentiments, but really, with all the stress you’re under trying to get to all those holiday parties, get work projects wrapped up by the end of the year, find or make gifts for everyone who might get you one, and figure out what to do about your family, it’s pretty hard to connect to those warm, fuzzy feelings. And if you’re alone this holiday season, those Hallmark beliefs can almost push you over the edge. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that those families on TV are getting paid to smile and act like they adore each other. And if at one point you had a relationship that was wonderful, try to focus on being grateful on the fact that you had that, not on the fact that you feel miserable because it’s gone. I know that it’s difficult, but it’s a lot more honoring of what you had in the long run.

All right, now it’s time to say goodbye to Ellen. Yes, you have to let her go. She’s a busy ghost and has other people to help right now. Besides, you’re about to get to hang out with Margaret Cho as your ghost of Christmas future. Who better to drag you to the cemetery to watch who does and doesn’t come to your funeral? So grab her sleeve before she tells you more than you want to know about grapefruit diets or her mother’s image of gay male porn mags and zip off to your funeral.

Is anyone there at all? Are there people there who you wish you had had the courage to make up with or apologize to before you died? Are there people there you wish you had had the courage to confront on the way they treated you? As you look at the crowd, or lack there of, is there anyone you wish you had said, “I love you,” to one last time? I know, it sucks, but life doesn’t always give us the chances we think we have. Best to think about it now and take care of business before it’s too late. Besides, if you wait too long, Margaret might tell you more than you ever wanted to know about colon cleansings.

Next, Margaret is showing you a slice of the political future. This is a topic she has a lot of passion about, especially as it relates to our community. Standing next to her, do you feel guilty because you didn’t vote or because the people you supported based on your checking account screwed the rest of us over as a community? Is she taking you into the heart and mind of that guy you shunned because he was HIV positive or too thin, or not buff enough, or liked to wear women’s clothes? Do you feel sick at how your words dug into their souls and made it even harder for them to accept themselves?

Now that you’ve been confronted by your unfinished business, you have the chance to do something about it. And since you’re probably about to start creating a New Year’s resolution, why not add taking care of your unfinished business to the list. It’s probably a lot more realistic to call your best friend up and tell him or her that you forgive them for whatever silly thing they did and tell them that you love them than it is to vow that you’ll sculpt your body into the next Adonis or Aphrodite.

And OK, I get it. You’ve just toured your past, present and future and but still have no clue as to how to get through this particular holiday season. It’s not like Jack had any helpful advice. And Emily, Ellen, and Margaret were so focused on helping you to get the section of your journey they’d been assigned that they had no advice for your immediate future. So you’re stuck with me for this year’s holiday solutions.

First, if your family (or your partner’s family), make you crazy, you don’t have to visit. They will get over it. And if they don’t, you will. A quiet Christmas, Hanukah or Solstice at home sure beats spending time with insane relatives. Anyway, it might be fun to create your own holiday ritual. You can always through a soirée. If you build it, they will come. And, there’s still time to book a flight to Key West. If you’re single and feeling a bit miserable about that, why not hook up with friends or find some place to volunteer?

Second, if you feel you must attend some usual family events or visit relatives that live out of town and are worried that the experience will be painful, why not arrive fashionably late and leave early? If the gathering is out of town, why not stay at a hotel? The bill for the night will probably be cheaper than the hour you spend in therapy working through the pain of staying well past your pain threshold. If you’re single, or visit your family without your partner, and they don’t respect your sexual orientation, it’s a good idea to come prepared with things to talk about so that they don’t have a chance to set you up with the pastor’s niece or nephew.

If you are visiting family members with your partner and are staying at their house, it’s probably a good idea to hash out sleeping arrangements before you get there. If you wait until people are tired, cranky and possibly a bit inebriated, they are much less likely to treat you and your partner with the respect that you deserve.

Third, if you’re not out to your family, now may not be the time to come out. Coming out tends to be stressful under the best of circumstances, and if you haven’t come out yet, there’s probably a reason. Sure, it’s unlikely that Grandma Helen will drop dead if you yell, “I’m a lesbian!” in response to her well intentioned efforts to set you up with her accountant’s grandson, but she’s probably not going to take it all that well either. If you are out, and they have not been as supportive as you’d have liked in the past, don’t expect a miracle. You might need to accept that an immaculate conception is much more likely to happen tomorrow than the chances of your family suddenly accepting and embracing the fact that you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered.

Fourth, take your cell phone, or at least a list of your friend’s phone numbers. If your family is anything like mine, your cell phone is a life line. When Uncle Herbert starts to spew about how disgusting it is that gay people expect special rights, you’re gonna need some support. Life is too short to spend time in jail for choking him. If you are spending the holidays alone, again, telephones are wonderful. If worst comes to worst, you can always dial up “Dial a horoscope.”

Fifth, remember that this too shall pass. New Years day will come and go and you will survive. The urban legends about suicide rates increasing during the holidays are just that. Besides, you’ve got a heck of a lot of unfinished business to attend to before you go.

Originally appeared in Outlook Weekly